Meditations

Layers of meaty Vulgarity? – La Charcuterie Deli in Port Kells


La Charcuterie's famous front door.I’m not going to waste your time talking about the dodgy industrial area that La Charcuterie Delicatessen is situated in (Port Kells), or how the deli doesn’t look like the health inspector knows where it is let alone checks in on it regularly, or that there was a big black fly hovering lazily over my sandwich mid-preparation. Instead I want to focus on what makes La Charcuterie legendary and that’s the meat…and the vulgarity.

Meet Salam Kahil –  the Sandwich Maker.  This Lebanese former engineer is the king of his cured castle. The only moat that you have to cross in order to experience “The Best Sandwiches in North America,” can be summed up by the tattered welcome sign that greets guests on the way in. It says, “This deli contains coarse language and nudity.” And it really does folks.

Depending on where your eye lands the deli can resemble a storage area, international food distribution site and/or garage sale,La Charcuterie-06 but the main stage is the deli counter and the activity happening behind it. With a menu of sandwich offerings such as, The Manwhore, BC Hydro, BC Ambulance, Teluswich, The Horny Cowswich, 911wich, the Brokeback Mountain, and the Salam’s Wich described as “whatever ‘he’ (being Salam) wants to put on your buns,” you know you are in a blue-collar kingdom – ladies I have warned you.

I chose the Salam’s Wich (how could I not) and Salam eagerly sliced and assembled, asking if I liked it spicy or not, and what type of bun I wanted. This is your cue, as a reader, to think of the dirtiest ways to ask these questions, and well, you’ve summed up Salam.

Sandwiched between layers and layers of meat and cheese is this thick layer of vulgarity.  Telling jokes that even Gary Busey would disapprove of, Salam entertains or embarrasses his customers (introverts beware), as he assembles stacks upon stacks of sliced cured heaven.

The Salam WichPlaying up to his audience he provides salivating customers in line samples of the meat and cheese he is currently slicing – and it simply was the best tasting deli meat I have ever had. His final culinary creation made for me had inch size sections each of porketta, spicy salami, maple syrup ham, Montréal smoked beef and turkey, and then complimented with spicy Italian cheese, tomato, lettuce, Dijon mustard and mayo.  Goliath would be full.

Arriving wrapped up in a brown paper package it looked more like the size and shape of a heavy-weight boxer’s forearm than
something I was now to consume. Weighing in at four pounds, the MASSIVE sandwich (yes I have to put this is capital letters) cost only a mere $7 bucks.

Salam knows his customers, and his customers want meat and loads of it.  Salam in return lovingly gives them mounds and mounds.

So if you really want a sub sandwich (I can never eat at Subway again) and a culinary adventure, take a drive to La Charcuterie. But make sure you leave your sensitivities behind you – they aren’t welcome anyway – it says so on the door.La Charcuterie-11

La Charcuterie Delicatessen, 19080 96 Ave, Unit #8, Surrey (Port Kells), BC.  Tel: (604) 882-0881

Email: thebestdeli@gmail.com

After thought:
Salam Kahil and La Charcuterie Deli has nearly 1550 Facebook fans.

To see more meat than you want to see Google the “Sandwich Nazi” on Youtube (Warning: nudity and coarse language).

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